The beginning

Do you know how does it feel to be catapulted from your neck of the wood, located across the ocean, into New York? I was in shock for the first 6 months. I was so afraid and had a huge “cold hole” sensation in my stomach. It will soound crazy but I was walking and watching skyscrapers, awed how much courage and strength you have to have, and thru how many obstacles you have to go to build one building or to own a restaurant or just being able to live. Many of them started from the scratch. I mean, I felt so little and weak. Look, there are people who were able to do this. And just look at me. You’d be able to see my fear. You’d be able to see a creature that was totally scared. I wanted to leave so badly. I wasn't ready for the Big World. I did not feel I am brave enough to stay here. One poet put it nicely: “man, don’t walk small under the stars !”.
There is a spot in the Jersey City close to my apartment – I lived there for a couple of months - with a clear view on NY. Even on the most beautiful day Manhattan seemed to me as a huge cemetery with toll tombstones. I was asking myself hundreds of times why on the Earth I came here. No, it’s better to ask why am I still here? I wanna go home now! Then, I think it was mostly because of vanity I did not leave the land of opportunity. You know, how can I come home and say: I’m back with no money. I wish I came to States with a goal. It is very difficult to come here without a goal. You need some structure - or protection - or life will sip you thru the straw. So many people came here with some idea, goal, to pursue their dreams, to become rich. Not me. A girl from Morocco I met at American Language Communication Center in Hotel Pennsylvania in New York told me once: “Hey, I did not leave my country for nothing. I came here to make tons of money.” By the way, American Language Communication Center is pretty popular school among newcomers. It is not very expensive, has very flexible schedule and students from all over the world. One day in cafeteria I spotted a young girl that – because of her dress - must came from Middle East. She was sitting there by herself, looking at the ceiling and shivering. I wanted to go there, just to say “Everything is gonna be OK, don’t worry” but I was afraid I would scare her even more. I knew her fear. I saw on her face the same fear I share. Can you imagine her dimension of culture shock?
New York was the last place on the world I wanted to be. Everything I saw there was totally opposite of my perception of civilized life. I saw only a deconstruction of humans. I did not know what to expect. And it’s true. You can see tons of movies or read tons of books but own experience is the real or the right one. If you want to feel it or know it, try it. Amen! Oh my God. I couldn’t believe! The guy was lying on the sidewalk and nobody was paying attention. He could be dead. Homeless people everywhere. Garbage, too. I mean, who needs this?! In one of many discussions about a life in NY some guy said: “Well, it is not easy for Americans. They do not know for better. But you are. Also, you are lucky and you can always leave. You have choice. They don’t. This is all they have.”
My aunt, who lived in USA in early 70’s, said once: “If you go there try to do not see America thru your eyes. You wont like it. Try to feel it.” Well, it took me six months till I found that feeling. You know, that wonderful vibe and atmosphere of NY you can see in Woody Allen’s movies. There is a hope.